"With Many Years Ahead to Fall in Love... I Never Want to Act my Age"

So, today was quite the interesting day. It started off as a boring day (which tends to be the case in a college town during the holiday break), however, by finding things to keep me busy I was able to pass the time in a pleasant manner and keep myself from doing something stupid (which also tends to happen). At any rate, various events in my life have been making me think a lot lately, and thinking usually is a sign that something needs to change. At least, I feel that that is the reason. I probably should state that by thinking I really mean reflecting and pondering. What I haven't told you is that I haven't been on a date in roughly 16 months. I also have made a point of distancing myself from possible emotional connections with females, due to various bad experiences and lasting ideas I've fostered. As a disclaimer, I am very much straight, I just haven't felt comfortable letting myself get in a situation where I could be screwed over by a female again. I will admit that I am a bit cowardly when it comes to dating and relationships. Now that I have gone on my tangent and more or less given a brief synopsis of where these thoughts are coming from I shall proceed to tell you what I've been thinking about lately.

For starters, I have this friend. I don't know her super well, but I've found that I'm attracted to her. This isn't per se cause for me to change, but it bugs me. I don't like that I am drawn to her. She's a couple months younger than my sister (my mind tells me that this is too young), and I'm not wanting to date or resume the chase. Alas, this is only part of what is going through my mind. Another thing that is happening lately is that of my raging hormones. I find my body really wants to feel the rush of holding a girls hand, of making out, and just cuddling with an attractive female. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I personally don't believe in NCMO or friends with benefits. Hormonally speaking these sound great, but my mind won't have it. This means my body is giving my mind the business for trying to protect me from getting hurt. Oh, the joys of young adulthood. Then there is the part of my mind that has decided I need to open myself up to dating. This has caused much internal conflict about the whole thing. Whenever I think about being more open to dating I'm okay with it, but as soon as it becomes a thought of me asking any girl on a date I retreat back into my cave. So, here I am with a few levels of desire to be with a lovely lady, but also being afraid to leave the shelter of my cave and brave the storm. Oh, how wonderful life is, full of confusion and learning.