Green Things Grow...

So, on my mission I heard the phrase, "Green things grow, when you think you're ripe you're rotten" quite a bit. So, I was thinking about this today and certain things I've been doing. Today I did something that made me quite uncomfortable going into it, but actually turned into a good experience. I was invited to a birthday party for a friend, but the party was for multiple people, one of which is my ex. I told my friend that I would go, even though I thought it was going to be totally awkward and stuff. Well, I was worried about it all the way to going in, but now that the experience is past me, I'm pretty confident it was for the best. I mean, when you step out of your comfort zone, you grow. You have to be green, by that I mean flexible and humble, and willing to just do things that aren't particularly your first choice. Doing things that stretch you, are going to help you become more and you never know what the outcome is going to be. I don't think anything big came of me going to this party, in fact, all in all I believe it was rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The good thing is, that I feel better about certain things and just feel happier about life. I wasn't bogged down or anything, but it felt liberating to take this experience by the horns and "take it like a man". I know I'm not "ripe", I have a lot of room for growth and learning. I hope that I can keep a "green" attitude and never develop the thoughts that I'm perfect where I'm at. My goal in life is to become the best me I can become. I'm going to accomplish that by stepping out of my zone and stretching me. My life is the opportunity I have to let God mold me, so I'm going to try and not get in His way.

Appreciation

I was thinking about something kind of complicated. Maybe you can help me figure it out. My thoughts were kind of about people and how we're all different. As people, what makes us tick? Here's what's been on my mind. People just don't seem to understand each other, and I've specifically been focusing on appreciation. I mean, you can do everything in the world for someone, but they won't appreciate you. I just don't get why people don't recognize certain things as valuable. We all have different views and opinions, but for the most part (I think), people are generally looking for the same thing. Why is it that you can be the most reliable, loyal friend in the world, yet you can still be viewed as just another friend, and because you're not as convenient as others you get kicked to the curb? Well, kicked to the curb is maybe a little drastic, but if you're not the most convenient, you have to take a back seat to those that aren't as possessing of these qualities just because they are the most convenient. I don't get it. I've never been able to figure out the human mind. People appreciate ease and convenience far more than quality and worth. I'm not just talking about in our interactions with others, look at wal-mart. It's a small business killer. The shops that used to provide quality and variety in different products are falling to the wal-mart onslaught. People just want to know where they can get what they want the quickest and cheapest. Then once they've supported the big business and the small specialty shops die, they wonder why "they don't make things like they used to". It's all the same, people settle for the convenient and when the quality is gone, they miss it. I've tried to keep this as my life philosophy for the last year now (that is, not letting go of quality for convenience in anything), and I know I'm not perfect. I still fall subject to human emotions and feelings. However, I don't want to be like this. I want to fill my life with things that are of worth and are going to last. If something has more value to me, I'm going to choose that over something that is just easy. I'm not going to sacrifice happiness for pleasure, it's just not worth it in the end. Let's face it, when has taking the easier road been the better option? I want the things that are of worth to be around long after the 'convenient' things lose their luster. I appreciate quality, and the extra work will be worth it in the end.

At a Loss...

Well, not that anyone reads this, except maybe Chelsea, but anyway, I'm kind of at a loss lately. It feels like a lot of things are all coming at me at once, and I don't really know what to do. I've been fighting and trying to keep things alive that matter to me, and I've been trying to prepare for some major changes that will be happening in my life in the near future. However, I feel like my endeavors aren't doing much, but rather they're kind of failing. I think the best way I can describe it would be to say that I feel like I'm in a cage of some sort and watching things happen. Despite my best efforts things appear to be falling apart. Now, it's not destroying me to see this... at least not externally, but it's hurting on the inside and I really don't know what to do. I'm not one to actually give up on things, at least not when I care. When I care, I'm committed and I do whatever it takes to make things work. I've learned though, that I can't always fix things. I'm not the Savior, I don't have the power to make everything better. Sure, I want to do whatever I can to make it happen, but I'm limited by something I call mortality. I'm just as limited as the next man. I don't know, I guess I'm just at a loss, and it's hard for me. I'm really trying to figure out what I need to do about things, but I haven't really gotten anywhere yet. I emphasize yet, because I will figure something out eventually, one way or another. For now, I'm stuck in my glass cage watching things happen and doing the little bit that I'm capable of. Other than my worries about losing things that matter to me, I'm doing pretty good, because I know that in the end I'll be alright. The problem is, I like to put others first and I want to make sure those I care about are going to be alright...

Emotions and a Run-Away Train

Today, I've been thinking about what has been happening in my life lately. To be completely honest, I've kind of let go of the controls in my life and let my emotions take over. This has been a huge problem. Because of this, I literally became a bystander in my life to whatever my body felt like doing. Basically I became like a child and it had an affect on everything I did. It wasn't until recently that I came to realize just what I was allowing to happen in my own life.

I'm used to hearing that drugs and alcohol are the typical ways that people lose control of their lives, but I learned that emotions left unchecked can do the same. I think the only difference was, because they were my own emotions it felt real and not so much like I was a bystander. I was "living" my life, and through my own eyes too. I didn't feel any of that separation from myself, which probably only added to the problem, it gave me a false sense of control in my life. It kept me from seeing the idiot I had become.

Well, thanks to good friends (yes, I do like to talk about my friends a lot), I saw that I had become something I never wanted to be. I knew I wasn't my ideal person, but I didn't realize why I couldn't be that person. Anyway, my eyes were opened to this in a sense and I realized what was going on. So, for the past week I've been working on managing my emotions, as opposed to letting them manage me. It's really made a huge difference in my life already. I know it hasn't been long, but I've already noticed a difference. I'm a lot more aware of the feelings that are going through my body, and this gives me the power to sort them before I go into auto-pilot and allow them all to surface and run my life. I feel like I've gained a new sort of weapon in my life to help me become all that I want to become.

As a result of all of this, I feel like I'm under construction. I am making a lot of changes in my life, which makes me feel kind of awkward and exposed, but I know that the results will be better than the run-away train that I was living before. I have hope again to be the happy person I once was. Now, this doesn't mean all negative emotions are gone, in fact all the emotions I had before are still there. The difference is that I can stop them. I'm dealing with the feelings that used to destroy me and I'm able to turn around and laugh about something as dumb as Robot Unicorn Attack (a game on adultswim.com). Bridle your passions.

Friends and a Thing Called Life.

Well, today I was pondering on friends again. I guess it's kind of my big thing these days. Anyway, I was reflecting on the fact that over time friends tend to drift apart. Even the best of friends can become mere acquaintances without the proper care and work. That's right, I said work. Being friends isn't all fun and games. If you think it is, your relationships with your friends probably aren't very deep. Now, don't get all defensive because I stated my opinion. This is my blog and I'm entitled to say whatever I want. At any rate, I was thinking and realizing that sometimes we build deep friendships and they start to dissipate. For whatever reason, the friendship becomes harder to maintain, and that can lead to the disintegration of a friendship. It's not that the two friends become enemies, but rather they just sort of drift apart as life carries them separate ways. I'm feeling in my own life that the threat of dissolving friendships creates a sort of fear or angst, at least with those that are close to me. I realized that if certain people in my life were to disappear, it would be as though my best friend had moved away in the first grade all over again. That feeling of losing the coolest person in the world, the one that you would hang out with all the time every day. Yeah, it's not a good feeling. So, I feel a need to pull on my friends that are closest, to keep them close and try not to let them just slip away. Most of my adolescent life I spent not having close friends. I would meander from group to group in high school, and when everyone was doing something else I would walk around by myself. I felt very isolated. However, I have since then developed some amazing friendships. Friendships that have changed my life, and will forever have an impact on the person I am to become. I don't want to let these important people in my life go. They're just like family to me, and I would do anything for my family. They mean the world to me.

What's in a friend?

I would just like to take a moment to acknowledge what I value in my friends.

1. I value the ability to talk to them about my life and the struggles I face. Being able to talk keeps me grounded and stops me from doing something completely stupid, like running away to never return. It also helps me not be too irrational in dealing with those that upset me.

2. I value their commitment and loyalty despite me. I know my friends will always be there for me, and accept me for who I am. I don't have to be fake in order for them to care about me. I like knowing that even though sometimes I can "piss [them] off" they forgive me and don't miss a beat.

3. I value the support they give me. Let's face it, sometimes life is a beach, and we all need somewhere to go. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but I don't like to turn to my family all the time. I love them to death, but my friends are the outside view that I need a lot of the time.

I know I have a different opinion of the term 'friend' than I did months ago. This changed definition of a friend has led me to realize that I don't have many friends, but I have a lot of acquaintances. So, here's to my friends, the people that keep me going.